I’ve got a hunger…for food

Douwe Bob recently announced that he came out walked out of the basement as bi (He said he couldn’t come out if he was never in the closet in the first place). Most people weren’t really surprised at the news, considering that a few months prior he presented a song about people being straight/gay/bi. As someone who doesn’t speak Dutch, all I got out of it was that he used a commonly seen analogy of liking food X or food Y. And that he seems to know how to work camera angles on TV.

I was a little disappointed that he couldn’t at least leave some bread and cake (throw in a line about aces and pans) on the table, but I understood that sometimes syllable count in a song doesn’t work on new information. It’s not every day that the lyrics can include “han och hon och hen.” He partially resolved it with a love song for his beer, but given the first song’s theme, aces are left hungry. And I’ve got a hunger (for food)…

Instead of explaining sexualities with food, what about explaining them with shoe preference? That way the aces won’t go hungry, and it’s pretty much safe to go barefoot in non-extreme conditions. (Just a note for fellow Americans: you will get thrown out if you go barefoot at Krogers though…)

  • Heterosexual: Prefers wearing flats
  • Homosexual: Prefers wearing heels (Yes, I was listening to the Kinky Boots soundtrack while coming up with this)
  • Bisexual: Is fine with wearing either flats or heels
  • Pansexual: Is fine with wearing any type of shoe (as long as they like them)
  • Asexual: Prefers going barefoot, but can enjoy looking at shoes or listening to Kinky Boots or Diggiloo-Diggiley. (Note that all of these people can physically wear shoes; they are just drawn to specific types or none at all.)
  • Demisexual: Prefers going barefoot in most cases, except there’s that one specific pair that they’ve seen for a while that they really like.
  • Aromantic Asexual: Prefers going barefoot, doesn’t care to look at shoes either.

If that doesn’t work, it would be nice if people quit being ace-ist and recognized that bread and cake exists. What do you think the bakery’s for? Or are there that many people who can’t bake?

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